Children of Divorce: The Purpose of Marriage

I’m slowly reading through The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being by Andrew Root. The following is what I hope to be one of many posts interacting with the book and my own experiences.

Marriage didn’t happen for me until eight years after my parents’ divorce. I am quite thankful for that because it allowed me to take a look at the relationship patterns in my own life that I saw as contributing to the breakdown of my mom and dad’s relationship. Then I was able to submit those things in my life to Christ for healing and transformation. The most formative thing for me out of our family’s tragedy was my desire to know what I wanted out of marriage.

Before we were together, my wife used to tell her friends and family that she “wasn’t going to get married unless her husband would help her serve Christ better.” I had a similar approach in that I wasn’t interested in marrying someone unless we shared a trust in Christ and, even more importantly, we shared the same mission in ministry.

In the first chapter of The Children of Divorce, author Andrew Root lays out the history of marriage making the point that our modern way of marrying for love is a recent cultural phenomenon. Root makes the point that before the 16^th century marriage was about passing on property, power, and tradition. Between the 16^th and 18^th centuries marriage was about maintaining tradition in a world of needed labor. Then in the 19^th and 20^th centuries people began marrying for intimacy. As marriage became more and more about the fulfillment of self, it became increasingly permissible for individuals to leave marriages that were not fulfilling their individual needs. Root suggests that marrying for love may be the reason why today’s marriages struggle to last a lifetime.

Love in and of itself can be fleeting. Even for the most devoted couples. Root’s point in the chapter is to point out that when couples choose to separate for reasons relating to self-fulfillment that children suffer because they have no choice in the matter. The child’s understanding of self is completely tied to who they are in the family.

It is important then, that families that intend to last have a purpose grander than acquiring “love” for self-fulfillment. My wife and I are united by our love for one another, but beyond that we are united by our desire to raise our kids to become fully functioning adults, and beyond that our calling to be ministers of God’s word in the Church. We are committed to staying together because our community would suffer if we did not.

If you are single, wait for a spouse that can help you live beyond yourself. If you are married, work together to find a purpose for your marriage beyond taking care of each other’s needs. Then, perhaps, fewer kids will have to suffer the tragedy of divorce on their lives.

The Children of Divorce: Belonging To A New Community

I’m slowly reading through The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being by Andrew Root. The following is what I hope to be one of many posts interacting with the book and my own experiences.

I was an adult when my parents divorced. Needless to say it rocked my world. The family that had been responsible for the development of my understanding of “who I am” was irreparably broken. The family unit who helped to form my faith no longer existed. I was in the middle of college, still unsure of what I was going to be when I grew up, when the foundation of my identity crumbled beneath me.

It forced me to find community and identity outside of my family. Because my family wasn’t the same. It would never be the same.

As my parents moved on after the divorce, I struggled with knowing where I belonged in their new families. I liked my step-families, but didn’t feel like I fully had a place in them that I belonged. I felt like an outsider, and still do sometimes. I belonged to my mom and my dad. And that unit was broken.

I found my new place of belonging in the Church. My central community became those I worshipped Christ with. Whether it was a college aged group at churches outside of my home (mostly family) church, or intentionally connecting with other believers outside of my family in my home church, I discovered that I had a place to belong in Christ’s family.

And I’m confident that is where I’m supposed to be.

The Church is the place for the broken and identity-less to discover new identities where they can be loved and suffered with.

In the introduction to The Children of Divorce, Andrew Root writes:

The scars and regret of my parents’ divorce remain, but I no longer feel transparent or cut free. Rather, I have found a new community for my being, one created from love and shared suffering. It is my hope as a theologian that communities of faith can be such communities of love and suffering, created around the love and suffering of God in Jesus Christ. (pg.XX)

If you are broken from the pain of divorce, my hope and prayer is that you will, too, find community and a place for healing in the Church, God’s instrument for ministering through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Why I Love Rebecca Black and Friday

Remember how awesome middle school was? It was a strange combination of awkward and playful. There were those times when being goofy with friends was everything I looked forward to. And then there were those times when I didn’t feel like I fit anywhere and I felt mostly awkward.

There is a playful goofiness that comes with being 13. And it is awesome and weird all at the same time. In my ministry with middle schoolers, I see this all the time. The outside world looks at them and shakes their heads wondering what in the world is going through their heads. We adults often look at what they do and label it as dumb or stupid. And we are wrong.

Just the other day I was visiting the home of one of my students, and she and her friend had decided to make a slip and slide on her hill with a tarp and a snow sled. It sounds like great fun, except that it was 40 degrees outside. And windy. And they didn’t have shoes on. It was so easy to label their efforts as “dumb” or “stupid.” But you know what? They were having fun. They were being creative. Their attempt wasn’t as successful as they would have liked. But it was good. It was that awesome combination of awkward and playful.

Rebecca Black is one of those awesomely awkward and playful 13 year olds. She just happened to record a song and video (find it here if you have been living in a cave) that was equally awesomely awkward that has become an internet and iTunes hit. The songs’ lyrics and video have been judged as dumb and stupid. And because of her success the teen, whose parents paid $2000 to the record company to record the song, is also being judged as dumb and stupid.

I love Rebecca Black and Friday because she epitomizes life as an eighth grader. I prefer to celebrate the awkward and playful nature of 13 year old awesomeness. I want to see more “successes” and “failures” like Rebecca Black and my young friends.

Because me and my young friends, well, “we, we, we so excited!”

And it is pure awesomeness when that strange combination of awkward and playful come together in a middle school student in various creative ways.

My Three Year Old Makes Pancakes

A couple of weeks ago my boy woke me up with loud noises coming from the kitchen. Wanting to make sure that he was okay I rushed from the bedroom to discover that he had dragged a dining room chair to the kitchen counter. He had grabbed the box of pancake mix from the cupboard (one of the loud noises), pulled the carton of eggs out of the refrigerator, reached into a different cupboard to pull down a mixing bowl (another loud noise), and was using a ¼ cup measuring cup to scoop up the powder.

He had decided to make pancakes.

By himself.

The only ingredient he was missing was the milk. But I don’t think he was finished retrieving all of his ingredients. He even told me that he needed “two cups of powder”, which was exactly what the recipe called for.

I was impressed.

I love it when my kids start doing things on their own. It means that I have one less thing I need to do for him. It means that he is one step closer to being able to function independently as a member of our society. It means he has the confidence to live life outside of my watchful eye. Because, as his parent, it is my job to teach him how to live in this world.

I remember the joy my parents felt when I started driving. They no longer had to drive me places, and they were able to take advantage of having an extra driver in the house to help them run errands. Independent acting children are able to make a contribution to the family, and beyond that to their community.

When I was coaching high school distance runners, our most successful seasons came when the student athletes had a leadership role in preparing our workouts.

In my ministry to young people, I have seen their spiritual growth explode when they were able to do the work of the ministry themselves.

If you have children, what are you doing to give them permission to act independently? Is your home a safe place for your children to fail so that they can learn what it takes to succeed?

If you work with children, are you giving them opportunities to do big things? Are you giving them a safe place to fail so they can learn what it takes to succeed?

I Hear Voices In My Head

I hear voices in my head.

It’s true. They may not be actual voices, but they still have a tendency to speak up when I encounter their favorite subject in my life. When I run, I can still hear Coach Clancy’s voice in my head cheering me on or challenging me to run harder. My parent’s voices are often the loudest and rightly so, as they are the people who have had the most influence in my life.

One thing I am learning about the voices in my head is that, like all of us, they are not always right. Often they are right, which is how they became significant voices, but sometimes they are wrong. And it’s okay not to listen to them anymore. Because it is just a voice. Not the actual person.

More importantly, I’m learning to differentiate the voice in my head from the person I think belongs to the voice. It is so easy to move from “that thought is wrong” to “that person is wrong” and begin to make judgments of the person behind the thought. That is not fair to the person who may no longer think that way anymore and would never say now what you think they said then.

The truth is the voices in your head no longer belong to the person who you think they belong. They are now your thoughts. They do not belong to your coach. They don’t belong to your teacher. They don’t belong to your dad. They are yours and yours alone. You cannot blame and judge that other person for your thoughts.

If you do not like the thought, or if the thought is wrong, then your mind can be and should be made new in Christ. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul writes “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”(Ephesians 4:22-24)

My prayer is that I would judge the thought, not the person, according to God’s righteousness and holiness and that I would allow my mind to be made new.

Who do you blame for the voices in your head?

26.2 thoughts about my 26.2

Finishing a marathon is extremely difficult. I know—I did it. It was painful. I’m still sore 24 hours after I finished. But, I did it. 26.2 miles. We (me and 2000 others of all adult ages) started in Calistoga and ran down the always beautiful Napa Valley and finished in the city of Napa. 26.2 miles. I learned a few things about life and running yesterday. Here are 26.2 of them:

1. At the starting line, it is easy to make value judgments of yourself and others based on appearances that you will later learn are completely wrong.

2. It is easy to forget how long the journey is and start out way to fast.

3. Drinking water from a small cup while running is challenging.

4. Having even just one familiar face to start the journey with is encouraging.

5. There are some amazingly fit old men.

6. There are some amazingly fit old women.

7. Getting beat by amazingly fit old people doesn’t make you a bad person.

8. It is okay to slow down even to a walk while drinking water or Gatorade from a small cup.

9. Being properly trained is beneficial to completing a long journey.

10. Training and competing alone is far inferior to training and competing with a team and mentors.

11. If you pay attention to other people’s goals you’ll miss the fact that you are right on pace for finishing your own.

12. Surrounding yourself with a “great cloud of witnesses” is important to finishing.

13. When you are halfway done you still have halfway to go.

14. Cow bells are not annoying when they are attached to people voicing encouragement.

15. A loving, supporting, encouraging wife is the most confidence building friend a man can have.

16. Being a daddy is one of the most meaningful occupations a man can have.

17. Never judge a woman’s fitness by the shape of her body.

18. After 18 miles, Gatorade is not the only drink that tastes good and replenishes electrolytes.

19. Any race that has hills of any size yet finishes at a lower elevation should not be considered a “downhill” race.

20. Getting to the top of the mountain is exhilarating but it is far from the end of the journey.

21. Aid stations along the way are a beautiful oasis that get you to the next part of the journey.

22. If you can, make friends along the way.

23. Sometimes a turn in the road is exactly what you need.

24. It is good to have friends who have been there before.

25. Cameras have a way of keeping one accountable to the goal.

26. Seeing the finish line allows you to pick up the pace so you can finish sooner.

26.2 While the journey can be difficult and full of unexpected challenges, it is worth it to finish.

I'm running a marathon tomorrow

I'm running a marathon tomorrow. It will be my first one. I say "first" because I have never done it before, not because I plan on doing another one. Another marathon may be attempted someday, but, for now, tomorrow is all about the Napa Valley Marathon. I ran cross country in high school, and had an eleven year career as a high school coach for distance runners, so distance running is not foreign to me. I even like it. But throughout all of my time around running, marathons were not part of my thought process, until last year.

In a session on "Awakening Your Creativity" by Les Christie at the National Youth Workers Convention in Los Angeles, Les challenged us to take something on our bucket list and do it. No more waiting. And so, on my little index card I wrote down "run a marathon," and on the back of the card wrote down all the reasons why I couldn't do it. Then I tore up that little card and all the excuses and made a vow to take the first step toward accomplishing that goal upon returning home.

That week I entered the Napa Valley Marathon. It was the beginning of October and I figured 5 months of training would get me where I needed to be so that I could just finish the 26.2 mile race. My training started off great, hit a rough spot in November, was incredible in December and January and then kind of fizzled in February as everyone in our household battled colds. But I was able to finish an 18.6 mile run in February and I didn't collapse.

Tomorrow, March 7, I will step to the starting line and begin a journey through the beautiful Napa Valley that will cover 26.2 miles and last around five hours. It will be a big moment for me, and I am still considering the kind of impact it will have. When I cross that finish line I will have completed something incredibly difficult, and I imagine that how I view my own suffering will change. But mostly, I will be realizing how I could not have done it without the great crowd of people I have in my life supporting me and encouraging me. I'll be looking for my wife, and my children, my mom and my in-laws, and all of my friends.

And I will thank God that He has made this journey one that I do not have to complete alone.