The Wisdom I Lack

The Children of Divorce: Choosing New Family

2011-05-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

I’m slowly reading through The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being by Andrew Root. The following is the third post interacting with the book and my own experiences.

For the first time in my life, I am a little brother. My dad got married a couple of weeks ago to a wonderful woman who loves him very much, and both of her daughters are older than I am. The oldest was having quite a fun time calling me “little brother”, which made it quite weird for me because “little brother” has never been part of my identity. But to be honest, it is probably not as weird for me as it would have been if we were all living in the same household.

I cannot imagine how weird it may have been for my youngest brother when he went from being the baby in my mom and dad’s family to being the oldest in my dad’s home in his second marriage. The challenge to navigate in both of those worlds as he formed (and is still forming) his identity would have been and is great.

In his book The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being, author Andrew Root writes that the “pure relationship” nature of marriage today allows people to choose relationships in which “the self is free of obligatory structures”. Root writes that a relationship chosen by two individuals who have committed to marriage based on their love for one another is a “pure relationship [that is] contingent on the choice to be together outside of any kind of coercion.” (pg. 39) In contrast, “children are bound to their parents not by choice but by biology.”

My parents have both chosen new spouses. As good as their new spouses may be to them (and they are), I have not chosen my new family and I have no biological bond with them.

I will always be the child of my mom and my dad. My current reality is that I will always live in the tension caused by the divorce. How much time does each “family” get? Where do I stay when I visit “home”? How many stories do I share that involve the other parent? What do I reveal or not reveal on facebook? Root writes:

"When the biological obligatory bond is broken, and one world becomes two separate worlds, children are forced to form identity not through the solid place of shared being, but through choice. Children must be two selves in two different families, neither which firmly hold them in biological correlation.” (pg. 42)

Children of divorce struggle with identity issues in blended families. I do not know how to be “little brother”. It is not a role that I am familiar with in a family. I have always identified with being the oldest brother. Those of us who get to minister to and love these children must understand these issues and the complexity that comes with it. The children must be given the freedom and time to “choose” to love those that were “chosen” for them. Parents who have chosen divorce and then remarriage should understand that it is both complex and difficult for the children to navigate the world of blended families. The “new family” dynamic will never look like the “old family” dynamic.

As an adult child of divorce who has found his identity in Christ and His church, it is easier for me to love my new step-family because I can “choose” to love them as brothers and “big” sisters in Christ. But it will take time, and the bonds formed will be different than the biological bonds I have with my parent’s children.

I pray that my “new" family will have patience with me. I am still very attached to my “old” family.

3 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

2011-05-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

A relative of mine looking to get married soon asked this question the other day: How do I avoid divorce?

Knowing her story, and knowing that both of her parents had been married multiple times, I appreciated her question. Someone else answered her in the moment, but this is how I would have answered.

In my almost six years of marriage I have discovered that in order to keep the relationship with my wife healthy, I must remember these things:

1) Communicate expectations clearly. Every relationship has roles and responsibilities. Each individual must be up front in letting the other know what they are expecting of their spouse. If you expect your husband to hang the toilet paper so it hangs from the front, tell him before getting mad at him. If you expect dinner ready at 5:00pm, communicate it. If you expect that you and your spouse will go to bed at the same time, communicate it. If you do not communicate it and your expectation is not met, you cannot hold your spouse responsible for what they do not know.

2) Give without holding back and without expecting anything in return. Marriage is about trusting your spouse with your life. Make sacrifices to show that they are the most important person in your life. If you cannot trust the person you are planning to marry, you should reconsider making the commitment to that person.

3) You are on the same team. Marriage is not a competition. Spouses are not in opposition to one another. When you criticize, demean, or harshly rebuke your spouse you are only hurting yourself. Previously I wrote about having a greater purpose in marriage. My wife and I are united in our mission to pursue God and make him known. Be about your greater purpose and understand that when there are disagreements, there is no winning or losing if you are on the same team.

There are obviously more keys to a healthy marriage. What would you add?

A Maniac Shooting Flaming Arrows of Death

2011-05-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

Jokes are convenient ways to turn frustrating situations or individuals into something we can understand and control. When a situation is turned into a joke, we control the punch line. When a person is turned into a joke, the joke teller holds the power over the person (the punch line).

In a conversation before a meeting this week, a friend of mine called me on my increasing use of sarcasm. He was right. Sarcasm is defined as harsh or bitter derision or irony. I have a tendency to increase my use of sarcasm when I feel like I have arrived in a position of leadership or authority. It is a weakness that I use to help me feel like I am “right” or “in control”. It is less work to deride someone I do not understand or disagree with than it is to seek restoration. It feels better to me to make a joke out of someone when I want to be “right”.

I am grateful for my friend’s accountability.

It would have been easy for me to say “I was only joking”. But sarcasm has its roots in bitterness. Proverbs 26:18-19 says “Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” When we use sarcasm in an attempt to make light of a situation we knowingly and unknowingly use our words to shoot flaming arrows of death at our intended targets.

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians he writes “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) When we use sarcasm, it only benefits the joke teller. My hope is that my words are helpful in building others up. God’s desire is that we use words to encourage and make others look good. Paul goes on to say in verse 30 that our words can grieve the Holy Spirit. Our words can make God sad. That is definitely not on my to do list.

Before you make that crack about your senior pastor, or about that one board member or elder, check yourself. Before you tear down your parents with “witty” jokes, check yourself. Before you make a generalized statement about men or women, or about kids these days, check yourself. Or before you tear down your teacher or a politician, check yourself.

Instead, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

What are your stories about?

2011-05-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

What stories are you telling in your everyday conversations?

We’ve all got stories we like to tell. Some of us have stories that we will share with everyone we come in contact with. We have stories that everyone around us have heard over and over and over again.

What are those stories about?

I was realizing the other day that I have a tendency to tell stories that make me look good in comparison to other people. Sometimes, probably often, I tell the stories that prove my “right”ness as they measure up to someone else’s wrongness. I’m getting uncomfortable with those stories. I’m tired of justifying my life’s “successes” based on someone else’s “failures”.

I would rather tell stories that make others look good. I would rather boast on the accomplishments of the people around me than criticize their weaknesses. I want to tell stories of how God delivered me from my weaknesses and mistakes.

What are your stories about?

Children of Divorce: The Purpose of Marriage

2011-04-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

I’m slowly reading through The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being by Andrew Root. The following is what I hope to be one of many posts interacting with the book and my own experiences.

Marriage didn’t happen for me until eight years after my parents’ divorce. I am quite thankful for that because it allowed me to take a look at the relationship patterns in my own life that I saw as contributing to the breakdown of my mom and dad’s relationship. Then I was able to submit those things in my life to Christ for healing and transformation. The most formative thing for me out of our family’s tragedy was my desire to know what I wanted out of marriage.

Before we were together, my wife used to tell her friends and family that she “wasn’t going to get married unless her husband would help her serve Christ better.” I had a similar approach in that I wasn’t interested in marrying someone unless we shared a trust in Christ and, even more importantly, we shared the same mission in ministry.

In the first chapter of The Children of Divorce, author Andrew Root lays out the history of marriage making the point that our modern way of marrying for love is a recent cultural phenomenon. Root makes the point that before the 16^th century marriage was about passing on property, power, and tradition. Between the 16^th and 18^th centuries marriage was about maintaining tradition in a world of needed labor. Then in the 19^th and 20^th centuries people began marrying for intimacy. As marriage became more and more about the fulfillment of self, it became increasingly permissible for individuals to leave marriages that were not fulfilling their individual needs. Root suggests that marrying for love may be the reason why today’s marriages struggle to last a lifetime.

Love in and of itself can be fleeting. Even for the most devoted couples. Root’s point in the chapter is to point out that when couples choose to separate for reasons relating to self-fulfillment that children suffer because they have no choice in the matter. The child’s understanding of self is completely tied to who they are in the family.

It is important then, that families that intend to last have a purpose grander than acquiring “love” for self-fulfillment. My wife and I are united by our love for one another, but beyond that we are united by our desire to raise our kids to become fully functioning adults, and beyond that our calling to be ministers of God’s word in the Church. We are committed to staying together because our community would suffer if we did not.

If you are single, wait for a spouse that can help you live beyond yourself. If you are married, work together to find a purpose for your marriage beyond taking care of each other’s needs. Then, perhaps, fewer kids will have to suffer the tragedy of divorce on their lives.

The Children of Divorce: Belonging To A New Community

2011-04-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

I’m slowly reading through The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being by Andrew Root. The following is what I hope to be one of many posts interacting with the book and my own experiences.

I was an adult when my parents divorced. Needless to say it rocked my world. The family that had been responsible for the development of my understanding of “who I am” was irreparably broken. The family unit who helped to form my faith no longer existed. I was in the middle of college, still unsure of what I was going to be when I grew up, when the foundation of my identity crumbled beneath me.

It forced me to find community and identity outside of my family. Because my family wasn’t the same. It would never be the same.

As my parents moved on after the divorce, I struggled with knowing where I belonged in their new families. I liked my step-families, but didn’t feel like I fully had a place in them that I belonged. I felt like an outsider, and still do sometimes. I belonged to my mom and my dad. And that unit was broken.

I found my new place of belonging in the Church. My central community became those I worshipped Christ with. Whether it was a college aged group at churches outside of my home (mostly family) church, or intentionally connecting with other believers outside of my family in my home church, I discovered that I had a place to belong in Christ’s family.

And I’m confident that is where I’m supposed to be.

The Church is the place for the broken and identity-less to discover new identities where they can be loved and suffered with.

In the introduction to The Children of Divorce, Andrew Root writes:

The scars and regret of my parents’ divorce remain, but I no longer feel transparent or cut free. Rather, I have found a new community for my being, one created from love and shared suffering. It is my hope as a theologian that communities of faith can be such communities of love and suffering, created around the love and suffering of God in Jesus Christ. (pg.XX)

If you are broken from the pain of divorce, my hope and prayer is that you will, too, find community and a place for healing in the Church, God’s instrument for ministering through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Why I Love Rebecca Black and Friday

2011-03-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

Remember how awesome middle school was? It was a strange combination of awkward and playful. There were those times when being goofy with friends was everything I looked forward to. And then there were those times when I didn’t feel like I fit anywhere and I felt mostly awkward.

There is a playful goofiness that comes with being 13. And it is awesome and weird all at the same time. In my ministry with middle schoolers, I see this all the time. The outside world looks at them and shakes their heads wondering what in the world is going through their heads. We adults often look at what they do and label it as dumb or stupid. And we are wrong.

Just the other day I was visiting the home of one of my students, and she and her friend had decided to make a slip and slide on her hill with a tarp and a snow sled. It sounds like great fun, except that it was 40 degrees outside. And windy. And they didn’t have shoes on. It was so easy to label their efforts as “dumb” or “stupid.” But you know what? They were having fun. They were being creative. Their attempt wasn’t as successful as they would have liked. But it was good. It was that awesome combination of awkward and playful.

Rebecca Black is one of those awesomely awkward and playful 13 year olds. She just happened to record a song and video (find it here if you have been living in a cave) that was equally awesomely awkward that has become an internet and iTunes hit. The songs’ lyrics and video have been judged as dumb and stupid. And because of her success the teen, whose parents paid $2000 to the record company to record the song, is also being judged as dumb and stupid.

I love Rebecca Black and Friday because she epitomizes life as an eighth grader. I prefer to celebrate the awkward and playful nature of 13 year old awesomeness. I want to see more “successes” and “failures” like Rebecca Black and my young friends.

Because me and my young friends, well, “we, we, we so excited!”

And it is pure awesomeness when that strange combination of awkward and playful come together in a middle school student in various creative ways.

My Three Year Old Makes Pancakes

2011-03-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago my boy woke me up with loud noises coming from the kitchen. Wanting to make sure that he was okay I rushed from the bedroom to discover that he had dragged a dining room chair to the kitchen counter. He had grabbed the box of pancake mix from the cupboard (one of the loud noises), pulled the carton of eggs out of the refrigerator, reached into a different cupboard to pull down a mixing bowl (another loud noise), and was using a ¼ cup measuring cup to scoop up the powder.

He had decided to make pancakes.

By himself.

The only ingredient he was missing was the milk. But I don’t think he was finished retrieving all of his ingredients. He even told me that he needed “two cups of powder”, which was exactly what the recipe called for.

I was impressed.

I love it when my kids start doing things on their own. It means that I have one less thing I need to do for him. It means that he is one step closer to being able to function independently as a member of our society. It means he has the confidence to live life outside of my watchful eye. Because, as his parent, it is my job to teach him how to live in this world.

I remember the joy my parents felt when I started driving. They no longer had to drive me places, and they were able to take advantage of having an extra driver in the house to help them run errands. Independent acting children are able to make a contribution to the family, and beyond that to their community.

When I was coaching high school distance runners, our most successful seasons came when the student athletes had a leadership role in preparing our workouts.

In my ministry to young people, I have seen their spiritual growth explode when they were able to do the work of the ministry themselves.

If you have children, what are you doing to give them permission to act independently? Is your home a safe place for your children to fail so that they can learn what it takes to succeed?

If you work with children, are you giving them opportunities to do big things? Are you giving them a safe place to fail so they can learn what it takes to succeed?

I Hear Voices In My Head

2011-03-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

I hear voices in my head.

It’s true. They may not be actual voices, but they still have a tendency to speak up when I encounter their favorite subject in my life. When I run, I can still hear Coach Clancy’s voice in my head cheering me on or challenging me to run harder. My parent’s voices are often the loudest and rightly so, as they are the people who have had the most influence in my life.

One thing I am learning about the voices in my head is that, like all of us, they are not always right. Often they are right, which is how they became significant voices, but sometimes they are wrong. And it’s okay not to listen to them anymore. Because it is just a voice. Not the actual person.

More importantly, I’m learning to differentiate the voice in my head from the person I think belongs to the voice. It is so easy to move from “that thought is wrong” to “that person is wrong” and begin to make judgments of the person behind the thought. That is not fair to the person who may no longer think that way anymore and would never say now what you think they said then.

The truth is the voices in your head no longer belong to the person who you think they belong. They are now your thoughts. They do not belong to your coach. They don’t belong to your teacher. They don’t belong to your dad. They are yours and yours alone. You cannot blame and judge that other person for your thoughts.

If you do not like the thought, or if the thought is wrong, then your mind can be and should be made new in Christ. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul writes “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”(Ephesians 4:22-24)

My prayer is that I would judge the thought, not the person, according to God’s righteousness and holiness and that I would allow my mind to be made new.

Who do you blame for the voices in your head?

26.2 thoughts about my 26.2

2010-03-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

Finishing a marathon is extremely difficult. I know—I did it. It was painful. I’m still sore 24 hours after I finished. But, I did it. 26.2 miles. We (me and 2000 others of all adult ages) started in Calistoga and ran down the always beautiful Napa Valley and finished in the city of Napa. 26.2 miles. I learned a few things about life and running yesterday. Here are 26.2 of them:

1. At the starting line, it is easy to make value judgments of yourself and others based on appearances that you will later learn are completely wrong.

2. It is easy to forget how long the journey is and start out way to fast.

3. Drinking water from a small cup while running is challenging.

4. Having even just one familiar face to start the journey with is encouraging.

5. There are some amazingly fit old men.

6. There are some amazingly fit old women.

7. Getting beat by amazingly fit old people doesn’t make you a bad person.

8. It is okay to slow down even to a walk while drinking water or Gatorade from a small cup.

9. Being properly trained is beneficial to completing a long journey.

10. Training and competing alone is far inferior to training and competing with a team and mentors.

11. If you pay attention to other people’s goals you’ll miss the fact that you are right on pace for finishing your own.

12. Surrounding yourself with a “great cloud of witnesses” is important to finishing.

13. When you are halfway done you still have halfway to go.

14. Cow bells are not annoying when they are attached to people voicing encouragement.

15. A loving, supporting, encouraging wife is the most confidence building friend a man can have.

16. Being a daddy is one of the most meaningful occupations a man can have.

17. Never judge a woman’s fitness by the shape of her body.

18. After 18 miles, Gatorade is not the only drink that tastes good and replenishes electrolytes.

19. Any race that has hills of any size yet finishes at a lower elevation should not be considered a “downhill” race.

20. Getting to the top of the mountain is exhilarating but it is far from the end of the journey.

21. Aid stations along the way are a beautiful oasis that get you to the next part of the journey.

22. If you can, make friends along the way.

23. Sometimes a turn in the road is exactly what you need.

24. It is good to have friends who have been there before.

25. Cameras have a way of keeping one accountable to the goal.

26. Seeing the finish line allows you to pick up the pace so you can finish sooner.

26.2 While the journey can be difficult and full of unexpected challenges, it is worth it to finish.

I'm running a marathon tomorrow

2010-03-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'm running a marathon tomorrow. It will be my first one. I say "first" because I have never done it before, not because I plan on doing another one. Another marathon may be attempted someday, but, for now, tomorrow is all about the Napa Valley Marathon. I ran cross country in high school, and had an eleven year career as a high school coach for distance runners, so distance running is not foreign to me. I even like it. But throughout all of my time around running, marathons were not part of my thought process, until last year.

In a session on "Awakening Your Creativity" by Les Christie at the National Youth Workers Convention in Los Angeles, Les challenged us to take something on our bucket list and do it. No more waiting. And so, on my little index card I wrote down "run a marathon," and on the back of the card wrote down all the reasons why I couldn't do it. Then I tore up that little card and all the excuses and made a vow to take the first step toward accomplishing that goal upon returning home.

That week I entered the Napa Valley Marathon. It was the beginning of October and I figured 5 months of training would get me where I needed to be so that I could just finish the 26.2 mile race. My training started off great, hit a rough spot in November, was incredible in December and January and then kind of fizzled in February as everyone in our household battled colds. But I was able to finish an 18.6 mile run in February and I didn't collapse.

Tomorrow, March 7, I will step to the starting line and begin a journey through the beautiful Napa Valley that will cover 26.2 miles and last around five hours. It will be a big moment for me, and I am still considering the kind of impact it will have. When I cross that finish line I will have completed something incredibly difficult, and I imagine that how I view my own suffering will change. But mostly, I will be realizing how I could not have done it without the great crowd of people I have in my life supporting me and encouraging me. I'll be looking for my wife, and my children, my mom and my in-laws, and all of my friends.

And I will thank God that He has made this journey one that I do not have to complete alone.

Forgetting What Is Behind

2009-10-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

We were out on an adventure the other day and my two year old was running out ahead of us, eager for the next part of the fun. The path we were on was paved with gravel, so there were both smaller and larger rocks along the way. Stephen was running well as long as he kept his eyes on what was ahead of him, but occasionally he would turn his head to see if we were still following him and he would trip on the larger pieces of gravel and fall down.

Michelle pointed out to me that we often do the same thing in our lives. We will get out ahead and we will be doing well at leaving the past behind and then we will turn around and lose our focus on what is ahead by paying attention to what we have left behind. And that is when we’ll stumble.

The sins of our past have been dealt with at the cross of Christ. If we continually look back at them, they will cause us to stumble over and over again. In Paul’s letter to the Philippians he talks about what he does in order to obtain the victory that Christ has already won. “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 3:13-14)

Is there anything in your past you need to leave behind? Do it!! There is so much more in store for us when we allow God to really set us free from the burdens that have weighed us down and kept us from moving forward.

Cleaning Out The Inbox

2009-10-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

I cleaned out my email inbox today. It had been over a year. It’s funny the things you leave behind, and the story that is told as you look back at the events of your life. There were articles that I had intended to go back and read. There were strings of emails from my fantasy football league that were entertaining at the time that I just forgot to delete. There were emails reminding me of the challenges that we’ve faced in the last year. And there were the pictures I had sent myself from my phone of my children.

All in all, my inbox told me a story of growth and of the things that caught my interest in the past year. It reminded me of joyful times and of hard times, of challenges and of successes. Half of my son’s life has happened in the last year. He’s gone from walking to racing, from babbling to talking.

Personally, it has been one of the most challenging years of my life. And yet it has been one of the most formative years of my life. This blog has been silent since April in large part because of some of the challenges with which I have been dealing. They just didn’t need to be made public. But though it all, I have discovered and been reminded of one important guiding principle of my life—God is faithful.

Psalm 36:5 (NIV)
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

Restoring an Old Classic

2009-04-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law owns a 1970 Ford Mustang that he is slowly, but surely, restoring back to it’s original glory. It has spent some years in pieces in his garage. It has also spent time under a cover in his driveway. There were also some years when it spent too much time in his friend’s back yard surrounded by overgrown weeds and grass with a primary purpose as a haven for black widow spiders.

Dad has big plans and dreams for this car. It is currently an automatic transmission, but he would like to add “four in the floor” someday. The car, right now, is undriveable not because the engine doesn’t work (it does) but because Dad has taken the dashboard out so that he could replace it with a newer, cleaner one. Truth is, this “classic” car would probably be much closer to restoration if someone hadn’t had to pay for a wedding a few years back or if someone hadn’t been so distracted by a new grandson the last couple of years. My father-in-law takes great pride in that car and will finish restoring it someday because he has invested his time and his money into it.

I have always been impressed by people who take the time to restore cars, homes, antiques or whatever happens to be old or broken down. We like to watch home improvement shows on HGTV or TLC’s What Not to Wear because we get to see the old made new again. ABC’s Extreme Home Makeover is a smash hit television show because homes that were once broken down are made new for the much deserving residents. That show has changed it’s format a bit over the years. It used to be that the show was primarily about the tension and the struggle and the hard work that happened over the course of the makeover.

But isn’t that what restoration is all about? Don’t things have greater value for us when they have been restored? It might be less work for my father-in-law to have someone else do the work on his “classic” car, but it would mean less because he didn’t get the joy of restoring it himself. Restoration is a ton of work, and a lot of times, it isn’t fun, and forces us to do things that may be hard for us to do.

Especially when it comes to the work of restoring old and broken down relationships with one another. The easy thing to do (it seems, in our minds) is to just move on to the next relationship. Because, maybe, just maybe, if there is restoration needed in a relationship it is because something within ourselves is broken. It is too uncomfortable to have to change ourselves. We would rather watch a reality show where someone else is getting fixed than work on our own issues that led to the breakdown of the relationship

Think about it though. Restoring a relationship, any relationship (a marriage, a friendship, someone you work with, someone you disagree with), takes a lot of time to fully restore. It requires the extremely difficult work of selflessness. It forces you to deal with the issues someone else may have with you. It takes up too much time and emotional resources. It drains us, and causes to question if it is really worth it. In the end, I think we have all benefited from going through hard times with someone else. In the end, many of us have a relationship that we can point to that was restored and now has more value to us than any relationship we may have previously had. A relationship that has been fully restored ends up stronger than it was before.

In fact, a restored relationship becomes a Classic. Kind of like that old 1970 Mustang sitting in Dad’s garage.

Dealing With Crisis: Fear or Faith?

2009-04-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about crisis lately. I’m in the middle of helping some friends deal with struggles in their marriage. My great aunt unexpectedly passed away in her sleep a few weeks ago. And then I read this morning that someone was robbed at gun point and shot in the leg on my street a couple of nights ago. Crisis is also on the minds of many this month because April is the month where Americans remember the tragedies at Columbine High School and Virginia Tech University .

It is easy to start living in fear when things begin going on around us in which we have no control over. There is a huge difference in being prepared and aware of our surroundings as we go about our daily living and between being paralyzed to the point of inaction. I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want us to be afraid.

But, then, how do we handle crisis? In this article, Barry Shafer shares two scriptures that deal with people facing crisis. The first is Daniel 3:16-18:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king…“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

I can imagine that our crises can feel like fire that is about to consume us, but here, these three young Hebrew men are trusting God to deliver them from their crisis “but even” if He doesn’t they are not going to react out of fear and waiver in their faith. They are facing their personal crisis with faith in the Savior.

The second scripture Shafer directs us to is Acts 12:1-3; 6-11:

It was about this time that King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church, intending to persecute them. He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword. When he saw that this pleased the Jews, he proceeded to seize Peter also. … Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance. Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. … “Quick, get up!” he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists. … When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him. Then Peter came to himself and said, “Now I know without a doubt that the Lord sent his angel and rescued me from Herod’s clutches…”

Here, two prominent disciples are captured, one killed, one rescued. Perhaps it doesn’t seem fair, like many of our crises often do, but Shafer reminds us that “Isaiah gave us the image of God's grieving people receiving beauty from crisis instead of ashes.”(Isaiah 61:3) We live in an extremely broken world and unexpected, unexplainable things are going to happen to us and cause pain. But what is important is where we take that pain.

In this article, David Olshine quotes from C.S. Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader: the story of Eustace, a young boy who becomes a dragon due to having been selfish and stubborn. Oldshine summarizes the scene before quoting Lewis: “Aslan, the story’s Christ figure, takes Eustace to a well to bathe, but the boy can’t get in the well because he’s a dragon. The only solution is to shed his skin like a snake, layer by layer. Later, when Eustace asks Aslan how many more layers he must shed, Aslan undresses him.

“I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you,” Eustace says, “but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep I thought it had gone right into my heart.
“When he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve felt…then he…threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious, and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found all the pain had gone…After a bit, the lion took me and dressed me…in these new clothes I’m wearing.””

The pain from crisis can help bring healing to our lives, but again, the important step is where we bring that pain and what our response to it is. Sometimes doctors will break a bone in order to help it heal correctly. Sometimes we need to be broken by our creator in order to heal correctly. Olshine writes that “God often uses painful means to change us. Unless there is some situation to create discomfort, people often reject change” and later that “the pain of change is better than the pain of being unable to change.”

It is important that as we go through crisis that we trust God to deliver us while also leaving room for Him to allow the pain of crisis to help us grow and change so that we can experience His salvation. Bring your crisis to the cross and leave it there for God to deal with.

The Happy Dance

2009-03-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

We call it the happy dance. It happens when Stephen sees one of his favorite people unexpectedly. The happy dance resembles a gallop or a skip or merely a hop, and it brings a smile to my face every time. It is an expression of pure joy. He simply cannot contain the excitement of the moment and the dance is his response. And when I am the cause of this expression of joy, my heart, too, does the happy dance. Then I also participate in the physical act of the happy dance. I am positive it is more entertaining to watch an 18 month old toddler do the happy dance than it is to watch a 33 year old man, but at the time I don’t care. As my son delights in the presence of his father, his father begins to delight in the presence of his son.

Psalm 149:3-4 instructs the people of God to “Praise his name with dancing, accompanied by tambourine and harp. For the Lord delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.” God wants his children to take delight in his presence and do the happy dance.

I want to express pure joy about my Father God like Stephen does about me. I want to be so anxious for my Daddy’s presence that when He arrives, I cannot contain the excitement, and I have to dance, and sing, and laugh. I want my response to Him to bring Him delight so that he joins with me.

We call it the happy dance.

The Wisdom I Lack

2009-03-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...Increase."
--from Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy

I wanted to title this blog Every New Day, but that was taken already so I have settled for The Wisdom I Lack. Perhaps, though, it is more fitting for me, because while I have always loved to write, the truth is I lack the wisdom to use words to say anything that hasn't already been said. The words of wisdom from my faith come from the scriptures of the Bible. The words of wisdom from my life experiences come from those who have spoken into me over the years and from those whom I have read. And at the risk of sounding falsely humble, any wisdom readers may gain from this blog will be not my own, but a gift that has been given to me for the edification of others.

The wisdom I lack is also the wisdom I am seeking. The posts here on this blog will reveal what I have learned from books, articles, and blogs that I am reading. Posts will deal with truths of life that I am wrestling with. The wisdom of the scripture in the Bible will often be a subject of my posts. I imagine some posts will actually reveal the wisdom I lack. Especially if those posts have anything to do with USC football.

If you have gotten this far, thank you, and I hope and pray that with each entry on The Wisdom I Lack that you too will pray and sing with me... Dear God, Increase.